Jenny Devine

A few seconds before full time, my son’s rugby team is awarded a penalty. The outcome will determine which team wins the Walter Dickson championship, a representative competition for Auckland rugby teams. The atmosphere is electric. The spectators are silent.  The players, all aged around 12, can hardly bare to watch.

Although it is not technically a difficult kick, only a few metres from the posts and at a soft angle, my intuition is that our first-five shouldn’t attempt it.  An outstanding player around the field, his kicking has been off today and the pressure on him now is staggering.

Both teams have played a spectacular game; talented boys demonstrating the skill, speed, power and flair of rugby at its best and in a moment the “winner” will be known.

The first -five lines the ball up, gazes at the posts, pauses and kicks. The ball misses, veering left and missing the posts completely.  The opposing team and their supporters throw their arms in the air, screaming and ecstatic. A boy’s mistake has made them all winners.

I watch my son and his team and their supporters; crumpled; disbelieving; devastated. A boy’s mistake has made them all losers. Several of the boys are struggling to hold back tears; others are unsuccessful.  The first-five’s head is on his chest, his eyes to the ground, lost somewhere in his own grief and shame.

This, my friends, is competition.  This is what we encourage our children to take part in from a young age. This scenario, modified to various degrees, plays itself out all over the world on a daily basis; within schools, on sports fields, in dance academies, musical institutes and art schools. Children compete to win, to be the best, to dominate.

 Like you, I live in a world where the ruling and predominant paradigm is based on competition. In our world “competing” is the norm. Individuals, businesses, companies, markets and countries compete against each other. If competition is defined as rivalry in which the desired outcome is supremacy then you and I are competing every day. We compete with ourselves and we compete with others.

So then, is this concept of competition wrong or right? Is it by nature fundamentally flawed or is it actually essential to bring out the “best” in ourselves and others?

If we look from a psychological perspective at what drives this rivalry we can see that in its most pathological form the wounded aspect of the ego lives in a war zone engaging in daily battles.  Unsure of its territory, isolated from its source and having limited belief in itself it battles to survive.  It observes other human beings from a defensive position drawing in those it believes can strengthen its position and attacking or sabotaging (overtly or covertly) those who might threaten it. Its goal is to win: more power, more money, more things, more prestige, and more glory. It has no understanding of the word enough.  For the wounded ego there is no enough; there will never be enough.

A couple of months back I assisted at the children’s “Weetbix triathlon”.  As I untangled a couple of children from a collision and helped them back on their bikes I noticed another assistant was hurrying them to get back in the “race” while they were still a bit shocked and upset.  “No hurry,” I said to them, “Plenty of time”.  You see, in Weetbix Triathlons there is no winner. We act as if it is a race but no one wins. The idea is that all the children are winners.

I can remember experiencing the paradox of this.  What is the point?  Why compete, be the best you can be and give it all you’ve got if there’s nothing to win? Why hurry and get back on your bike…why bother at all? Herein lies the paradox of competition.

From the perspective of shadow work, the dark shadow of “competitive” and the light shadow of “co-operative” are neither right nor wrong.  They just are. Like all shadows they have their place and at some time or other in this life they will both serve us; they both contain useful and not so useful characteristics.  Trouble arises for us when we deny or repress them or try to make their existence wrong. 

Like all shadows,  when we see them for what they truly are, acknowledge their presence and accept them as a natural part of us then we graced with the power of choice. We get to choose to use the shadows to serve us rather than being used by them.

You see I am competitive. I’m also co-operative. In the course of my life as I follow my passion to awaken the consciousness of business leaders I will need both of these qualities to assist me. These human qualities are a tiny part of the greater whole that is me, but that doesn’t mean they are insignificant: like you and me, they contribute to a magnificent whole that would be incomplete without them.

I have a question for you. Don’t rush into answering it; just let it settle itself gently upon you for a while, like a soft mist. Here it is: “How worthy are you of living your best life,of living a life filled with joy, richness, and blessings of every kind?” Pause. Breathe.

Some of you may smile and acknowledge immediately that you are a deeply worthy human being. I suspect that many of you will not be so sure.

One of the common themes that runs though my coaching sessions with my clients is this very issue of worthiness. At one time or another most human beings seem to come face to face with the belief that they are “not enough” in one or more areas of their life. This belief may manifest in various ways: fear, resistance, loneliness, jealousy, frustration, despair or hopelessness.  But when one mines a little deeper into the feelings it is possible to reveal what really underlies the unhappiness for so many people – this entrenched and wretched belief that “I’m not worthy” or “I’m not good enough”.

There are many reasonable theories of why so many of us struggle, at one time or another, with these feeling of unworthiness: childhood traumas, teenage stumbles and embarrassments, failures and hurt in our early twenties and so on. For some reason the innate sense of self worth that we come into this world with and that floods us as little children seems to run dry as we get older.  We see the light in others yet become blind to our own. The little voice in our head limits us and questions our abilities. We are tempted to play small and to stay safe.

I played small and safe for years; a safe job and a safe life.  A times I would catch a glimpse of my own magnificence and it would terrify me.  So I would stuff it back down to the place it came from and carry on being small and safe. It was much more comfortable there. Yes, there was regret and frustration. Yes, there was jealousy of others who believed in themselves enough to release their light. But at least I was safe. Or, so I thought.

It would take years for me to bust through the illusion that not being all I could be was an option. After years of study I came to see that it was not my sense of unworthiness that kept me small; it was terror of my light – the passion, power and capability that filled every cell of my being.  What once had kept me trapped became my ticket to freedom; to living a life that I truly loved.

In her book A Return to Love Marianne Williamson tells us that “our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.”

Maybe you are hiding a light that frightens you with its brilliance. If so, ask yourself “what is it costing me to keep it hidden?” Then, allow yourself to see one thing you could do this week that would begin the revealing process.

Williamson reminds us that our playing small does not serve the world. If there was ever a time when our world needed serving it is now. Are you ready to shine?

Always on the lookout for a good laugh, I found just what I needed a few nights ago in the company of 20 something business women, a good bloke and a car. On a stormy Tuesday night we gathered for a networking evening and to learn the finer points of car maintenance. Not being a complete dummy with cars, I thought I might learn the odd new thing and at the same time would enjoy being in the presence of some women I’ve recently got to know and many I didn’t.

So after an enjoyable and informative chat with several of the women, I sat myself down as “Rob the car guy” got himself ready to share a tiny bit of his not insignificant, automotive knowledge with us (we learned that even the television programme “Target” had tapped into Rob’s automotive wisdom). 

First things first, Rob pulled out a pair of ordinary old kitchen gloves and urged us to use a similar pair before we start pottering around under our various bonnets. Then from behind him he pulled out a pair of large blue overalls and yes, he suggested that we should also purchase a pair of these. I was just contemplating that seemed a bit unnecessary when a loud voice from the centre of the room asked “Do the overalls came in different colours?”

Hilarity abounded and I had visions of all of us working under our bonnets in gorgeous coloured overalls of every hue. Rob was a trooper and despite the laughter kept steadily moving us forward from engine oil, to engine coolant, brake fluid (wear your gloves and pink overalls around that stuff), power steering fluid and auto-transmission fluid. We dipsticked, smelt, touched and generally learned to decipher the various oils and new, healthy looking stuff from old, icky oil. We learned about what to expect in a service (depending on how much you want to pay), what not to expect and what to ask for. We even learned the difference between a tune-up (spark plugs and ignition) as opposed to a good old service. In short, I think we all felt a bit more knowledgeable and much less likely to unwittingly damage our engines or be ripped off through ignorance.

As I sat there last night, chuckling away at the hilarious comments, I realised how years ago I would have been horrified by the absolute, unashamed femininity that filled the room.  I would have been judgemental and righteous about the self-deprecating comments, the raw honesty, the purposeful silliness and the deliberate irony, judging it as somehow beneath me! 

Oh how wonderful is the peaceful acceptance that comes with age, time and on-going self-awareness and introspection. Last night I celebrated three things: the magnificence of women, how much fun it can be to be in their presence and how liberating it is to bask in silliness now and again. For one who is always seeking the healing of the shadow, I left feeling particularly light.

When was the last time you laughed really hard; a good belly laugh? Do you remember how it made you feel? What changed for you as a result of the laughter? Did you feel better? Did life seem lighter and a bit less serious?

As far as I’m concerned there’s very little that can bring life into perspective as quickly as laughter. It really is quite magical in its ability to dissolve worry, anxiety, resignation and sadness. I love that humour is a great leveller. It has the ability to cross human boundaries and create a sense of unity, a shared good feeling and a sense of lightness. People from all walks of life can laugh at things that are silly, incongruous, and ridiculous.  Best of all, we know we are really “growing up’ at an emotional level when we can laugh at ourselves…a lot.  

My question for you is this…as we’re surrounded by technology bringing us news from all over the world, as we’re constantly bombarded by the negative, do we laugh less?  Have we become heavier and weighed down? Are we saturated with trying to keep up in a world that moves so quickly and leaves us frequently feeling a little left behind and a little overwhelmed?

Well, if that could possibly be the case them I’m going to start laughing more.  And what am I going to start laughing at, you might ask?  Well, myself, of course.  I’m going to laugh when I take myself  too seriously, when I lose perspective and when I lose the plot! I’m going to laugh at myself when I worry about anything (because it’s pointless, right?) and I’m going to laugh at myself when I can’t find anything to laugh about! 

And you know what? If I do that, according to a study in Psychological Science reported last month in the New Zealand Herald, I might just make my smile broader and my laugh lines deeper, causing me to LIVE LONGER.  Researchers studied 230 photographs of US major league baseball players who started playing before 1950 and grouped them according to their smiles. As of 1 June last year, those in the no-smile category lived for an average of 72.9 years, those with partial smiles (only muscles around the mouth involved) died at 75 and those with full smiles (mouth and eyes smiling and cheeks raised) lived to almost 80.

So there’s a good laugh in itself.  Deep laugh lines around the eyes are an indicator of emotional well-being and those who have them may well live longer! Let’s banish that Botox from our thoughts, celebrate our crows’ feet and keep on laughing

One of the greatest emotional breakthroughs of my life was when I finally accepted that every quality that exists in humanity in some way lives in me; that this individual human being that is “Jenny” is a tiny but complete and whole aspect of the greater universe.  Another way to describe this would be to see myself as the microcosm of the macrocosm. This is the basis of shadow work.  Although our egos would have us believe that we are unique individuals having an individual life experience quite separate to anyone else, in reality this is an illusion. We are, in fact, deeply connected human beings at every level.  One of the fastest ways to “bust through” the illusion of separateness is to do shadow work.

While being involved with The Ford Institute for many years in the USA I had the privilege of being constantly reminded of the unifying aspect of shadow work.  Whenever I am coaching clients through Blueprint or facilitating a shadow interactive, I witness again how the process of “owning” our shadows begins to dissolve separateness. 

When we see the shadow that we so dislike in another such as stubbornness or arrogance or laziness or selfishness and then turn our attention to how that quality lives in us, we are humbled. How can we not be?  The finger that has pointed so long at another finally understands it is part of a hand that has several fingers pointing back at itself.

Or perhaps we see that we have spent so much time denying a particular quality that we have never considered the “gold nugget” that resides at the centre of the perceived negative quality.  The two most useful qualities in helping me to nurture myself back to health in the USA were laziness and selfishness.  They both taught me to say “no”, to let go of guilt and to really take care of myself.  I couldn’t be without them now (actually I never was; I was in shadow denial!).

When we truly understand and experience that we are everything, we are presented with the ultimate gift; one that eludes so many human beings; we receive self-acceptance. I am not sure that there is any greater gift.  With self acceptance we cease battling against our self and against others. When the war is over we are free to be all we can be in the world; to use all our talents, all our qualities, all our capabilitesl.  If there was ever a time when this world needed that; it is now.

The country of my birth is lit with a radiant light which often causes me to squint slightly as I gaze at my screen.  But it is not the light that I wish to focus on today. Ironically, on this day of abundant and glorious light I am compelled to write about the dark!  The darkest aspect of us, the shadow, is made up of those aspects of ourselves that we deny, repress or are greatly ashamed of. It lives within us as individuals and can be found in companies, organisations, cultures and countries.

Unless you are a pathological and rare human being you have a shadow.  Think of the qualities you most dislike (or detest) in others.  Perhaps it is their arrogance or their rudeness. Maybe it’s their indecision or their weakness, or you might find them self-centred or lazy.  Now turn the outward gaze back to you. What are the qualities that you don’t like about yourself that you try to hide or deny? Maybe it’s jealousy or occasional fits of rage?  Perhaps its your tendency to gossip or to criticise others?

Are there some qualities coming to mind? Know that whatever qualities you can find in yourself and whatever qualities you can see in others, all have a common link.  They all live in you and me. I’ll repeat those words.  They all live in you and me. If you can see, conceptualise or experience a negative quality then it lives in you.  At birth we were not given a sprinkling of certain positive and negative qualities.  Within us lives the seed of every negative, dark quality and every light aspect. This is what it is to be human.

Yet when we fail to acknowledge our own shadows, they have a habit of bursting out of us at inappropriate times and causing great embarrassment and shame. Have you ever (like me) left a social event wondering why you said what you said or did what you did? You may have felt confused, disappointed and ashamed of yourself. Well I can promise you that you experienced one of your shadow aspects.  A part of you that you deny or repress was triggered and took the opportunity to take control!  One of the greatest experts on shadow work, Debbie Ford, will tell us that what we can’t be with will not let us be! In other words, if you don’t acknowledge, accept and make peace with your shadow it will continue to sabotage and control your life.

To find the gold within each of our dark aspects is worth all the pain of finally recognising that the quality we have most loathed in another lives within us. When I first acknowledged and began to accept my own jealousy I was able to understand that it showed me the things in life that I wanted to experience. When I recognised my own arrogance I was able to see how, turned down a little, it could give me a great sense of confidence and the anger that irrationally burst out of me would  fuel me with energy to take on worthwhile projects in the world.

It is only when we bring the light of consciousness into the darkest recesses of our being that we will find the sense of wholeness that is our innate right.

Sometimes when I contemplate writing, I am surprised to find that I have no desire to write anything at all!  On some mornings, although nothing has changed in my life from the previous day when I may have felt full of the joys of life, I feet flat and somewhat empty; a sense of disconnection is present.  I’m sure others experience these feelings too, as if we are not quite in life, rather on the edge of it looking inward with some degree of disinterest.

Sometimes these feelings bother me.  I make them mean something about me (the ultimate coaching sin!). I judge them as being wrong.  I tell myself I shouldn’t have them. I have no right to feel that way; compared to the two billion people in the world who live on less than a dollar a day I am on easy street. But as I well know, making the way I feel wrong will do nothing to shift it.

Not so long ago, on one of my “flat” days, I was on a call with my great mentor, Debbie Ford, who was interviewing the mystical scholar, teacher and poet, Andrew Harvey, about his new book “Sacred Activism”. This magnificent man blasted away any self-serving feelings that might still be lingering within me.   Andrew reminded us that we must break through our trance of denial and our sense of helplessness with the state of our world and rise up and find our true greatness and purpose in this lifetime.

This, of course, is why I coach. There is nothing in the world that I would rather do than guide people into finding their highest purpose and their true greatness; to blast through their door of mediocrity into the passion and joy that lies on the other side.  Today, however, I understand more clearly than I ever have that living one’s best life does not make one immune to feelings of flatness and disconnection. The ego’s propensity for isolating and separating can strike when we least expect it. That is its nature: divisive and analytical. Nothing pure and divinely beautiful was ever envisioned or created from the ego mind.

The dark recesses of the shadow, however, once confronted, are a powerful leaping point into the lightness of spirit and into the intuitive wisdom that lies within us all. Nothing feels as good as stepping out of the dark stuff into the light. Therefore, the next time the dark feelings pay me a visit I will take my guidance from the great 13th century poet, Rumi. I will welcome whatever comes even if it is a meanness or a depression, for what do I know? As Rumi describes in The Guest House, they may be clearing me out for some new delight.  “Be grateful for whoever comes, “urges Rumi, “Because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”